Wednesday, December 26, 2012

whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer.....

i'm almost ashamed to post here, because it's been so long, and i feel i've lost the right now.  like i'm a neglectful parent and should give up custody of this blog to someone who will feed it regularly.  it's not that i haven't had anything to say; it's just that i couldn't be bothered to type it all out.  plus, it's embarrassing.  i feel horribly indulgent, like i'm waving the banner of my sorrows for the whole world to see.

"send me your pity in a self-addressed stamped envelope!"

"for a paltry 5 minutes a day, you can feel sorry for me!"

i mean, really, i feel like a panhandler.

i wasn't busy, just ashamed.  ashamed to post, ashamed to NOT post.  aye, there's the rub.

so this is Christmas.  or the day after, as it were.  but since.....Thanksgiving, at LEAST, and probably (OK, definitely) earlier than that, i've been subject to a near-endless barrage of "i've got to start a diet," and "we ate way too much!" and "that cupcake looks great, but i don't need it," AND "let's just have salads for dinner--something healthy!"

and for some reason, today was just really bad.  yes, over the holidays we ALL ate too much.  ate a lot of sweets.  ate cheeses, creams, heavy sauces, etc.  and i have not been going to the gym!  and i don't miss it at all!  i've been enjoying myself thoroughly, sans (most of the) guilt, and i haven't been able to do that in a very long time.  i had more time to myself, i didn't stress about having to hit the gym before or after work, or on my days off when all i really wanted to do was sleep in and be lazy.

and i'm eating also--not restricting myself to make up for the lack of exercise.  i'm eating terrible things and not working out and i love it and i think i've goddamn EARNED it after all the years of starving myself, working out for hours on end, degrading myself.  it's not all great--i'm putting on weight at a terrible rate, and i had to buy bigger pants.  that was an awful blow, and i've punched myself more than once for allowing such a slide into disgusting fatness.  it's not all great, but it's better than it's been for years.


i know the comments aren't meant to hurt; i know they're made innocently enough, even with the intent to deride the speaker herself.  but all i hear is that terrible voice that will always live in my head screaming at me because i've failed failed FAILED and now i'm fat fat FAT.  it tells me the comments really ARE directed at me.  "we're going to the gym, are you?"  no, my membership expired and i'm trying to save money to get the hell away from.....everyone.  "we're having chicken salads tonight because it's healthier."  i spent two years eating salads every night.  and water on my breakfast cereal.  and the salads got smaller and smaller and increasingly boring and now the thought of salad makes me want to puke.  and if you'd eaten what i'd eaten (so to speak) you'd feel the same way.  "there's some carrot sticks and cottage cheese in the fridge, if you want that for lunch."  after the two years of salad, and after what you thought was my recovery (joke's on you!)--even after i started putting on weight, and BECAUSE i was putting on weight--i redoubled my efforts.  woke up at 4:00 in the morning to do cardio for three hours.  ate nothing but cabbage, carrots, and fat-free sour cream (don't ask, i don't even know why).  starved myself like never before because the weight wouldn't STOP and i couldn't understand it, but had to stop it somehow.

in the end, i know i only made it so much worse.  i haven't weighed myself in well over a year and it scares me to think of doing so.  i know i'm fat--fatter than i've ever been.  i'm not happy with it, but i'm enjoying life SO much more now than i was at 97 lbs.  it's a give-and-take.  but then i hear about someone's diet! and someone's weight loss! and it becomes give-all and take nothing.  i just feel bad about me.

i've been looking online for some support, like a list of what not to say around an anorexic, because that shit makes me laugh and smile and feel better.  kinda like my Jake.  but the lists i've found are missing certain parts that i'd like to see, so i've made it my goal tonight to compile a list of "what-not-to-say"s based on my experiences.  some will be redundant, things you will find on any such list.  others are mine.

1. You look so healthy!  

if you know anything about the mind of an anorexic, you know that healthy=fat.  i don't want to look healthy, i want to look sick.  i liked it when you told me i needed to gain weight, because that meant i was too thin in your eyes and therefore, successful.

2. You're not starving yourself again, are you?

that's not a topic for you to bring up.  it feels like an invasion.  and it wasn't just "starving myself"--it was a whole mess of things.  how much or how little i eat is my business.

3. I just want a salad.

maybe you do, but every time?  or you're at a nice restaurant and you get something as plain as steamed vegetables?  i just want the bacon-wrapped sea scallops and molten chocolate cake a la mode.  if you are a twig and order only kale and vinegar (what used to be my dinner every night), and i'm seven non-budging sizes bigger than you and i order cream sauces and i-don't-want-to-know-how-much butter because it's a nice place and i enjoy real food--how do you think i'm going to feel about myself?  i feel like an out-of-control slob, that's how.  i feel dirty and smelly and ugly. enjoy your greens (if you even do); i'll slather on some more self-loathing.

4. I ate too much/There's way too much food!/Do we really need chicken, broccoli, AND soup?

you probably ate only half of what i did.  and you didn't eat at all the rest of the day.  even if i ate less than a normal amount, i still feel disgusting now.

yes, there is a lot of food here.  and now i don't want to be caught eating any of it because one bite=eating fucking everything.  i had one hors d'oeuvre, but feel like i wiped out a buffet.  i can SEE that there's a lot of food--why do you have to announce it?

and i thought the soup sounded good.  chicken and broccoli, just plain--that's not very fun to think about.  at least throw some rice in with that!  i thought the soup would be a nice addition, but now i'm berating myself for even thinking of eating all that food.  thanks.

5. I've only eaten an apple all day!

i had eggs and toast for breakfast, a tuna sammich for lunch, and i'm hungry for dinner now.  pasta sounds nice.  or, it did.  now i just hate myself.

6. I'm really not hungry.

well, i am.  again, i hate myself and feel like a failure because i'm not strong enough to NOT be hungry when i don't eat.  "i'm not hungry" is especially detrimental if it follows #5.  that's a 1-2 knockout to my self-worth right there.

7. I didn't think I'd eaten that much, but the scale says otherwise!

i can only imagine what the scale would tell me, then.

8. She probably doesn't want any more than that.

maybe i do, maybe i don't.  again, how much i eat is MY business.  saying that makes me think i shouldn't want any more, or even any to begin with.  and if i know that someone is monitoring what i eat, that's almost as dangerous as outright telling me i'm fat.  i don't want to be watched, because i know that you're ALSO judging me.  don't deny it.

9. You know, there's a lot of sugar in ketchup.

i like ketchup.  ketchup makes me feel normal.  i know it's full of sugar.  i didn't ask for your diet tips.  i don't want them.  all that does is make me feel even worse about myself.

10. Ugh, I'm bloated and my jeans are snug.

you wear a size 0.  i used to wear a size 0 also.  now i wear a size 9 and have an awful fear of outgrowing those.  also, your jeans are NOT tight, you're just saying that to draw attention to how thin you are.  i know, because i used to do the same thing.

i'm sure there are more things, but 10 is a good number and i'm feeling about ready to wrap this up.    i'm just down about myself right now.  i was feeling great earlier, until all this "too much food" talk around dinnertime.  and they ask what's wrong--they want me to talk to them about things.  but if i did, i KNOW that they'd tell me i was being too sensitive (that's a laugh, coming from them), that it's my own fault i have these insecurities--they'd probably deny that i ever had an eating disorder, since i recovered so easily (except i still do, and recovery is a grey area full of ups and DOWNS, and it most certainly was NOT easy, i'm just a good actress).....and they'd tell me to grow up and get over it, that's life, sometimes people say things you don't want to hear, we're not going to change our behavior because you're getting your little feelings hurt.

as i've said before, i don't expect people to weave their lives around me; i just want a little compassion and consideration.  think before you speak--i do!

no promises on the next entry, kiddies.  but this was nice.

love and peace in our new years!


This was me in March 2009.


This was me in May of this year (2012).
I think I look OK!