Friday, July 13, 2012

an introduction

i've been dragging my feet on this project for months now.  mostly, i think it was because i didn't want people thinking i was clamoring for attention or worse, for sympathy.  i didn't want to be unfairly judged.  that's largely what this was always about--unfair judgement.  other peoples' perception of me.

i want my story out there.  i want people to know.  a part of me wants to prove that i WAS skinny, once.  i want to prove, to the people who don't know or who might have forgotten, that i wasn't always as i am now.  i am capable of losing weight.

the other reason i've wanted to get this started was an alarming lack of real post-anorexia experiences.  i've checked out dozens of books, scoured the internet for facts and testimonials, but what i've found so far has left me.....disappointed.  nothing has given me quite what i wanted, and that is, i think, reassurance.  i want reassurance that what i'm going through is normal.  i don't want to hear that i starved myself so that i could control something in my life.  i'm sure that's the reason some people do, but it wasn't my reason.  i don't want to hear about bulimia, either, because bingeing is not something i would have even let myself think about.  it would have been wonderful to eat recklessly, instead of the shredded-carrot-and-water diet i stuck to every single day.

i will do my best to avoid triggers, but everyone has different triggers and it would be impossible to circumvent them all, so i apologize in advance.  i will never be pro-ana, nor will i engage in thinspiration, but i will post pictures of myself to show unattractive and sick i looked at 97lbs, and how i've progressed since then.  i may lament the days before i abused and ruined my body, when i was thin and fit and healthy and happy.  it's a hard thing to know that you worked hard to get a fantastic body, but because you couldn't stop, because you had to keep pushing yourself further and further down the scale, because you couldn't see in the mirror how beautiful you really were, you lost it.

i have more to say, but i'll use it for other posts.  i'll try to keep this blog updated regularly, but i procrastinate and i'm terrible at sticking to projects.  


much love and later days,
shaina

WARNING!  possible trigger below. 
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 this is what i looked like in march 2009, at 98lbs.


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