Thursday, July 19, 2012

one of the bad days

there's a certain self-hatred that comes with anorexia (and probably all addictions, really) that just doesn't go away.  it may abate more and more as time passes, but then it sneaks up and hurts you, out of nowhere, at the strangest times.

there ought to be a term for this.  auto-guerilla warfare, something like that.  i'll play with it.

i put on a pair of pants that at one time would have fallen straight off.  and they were tight.  and they hit me in just the wrong place on my now rather fatty belly (i can thank myself for this, for a metabolism that refuses to settle down and operate normally).  i had to suck in so my shameful fat didn't blob through my shirt, and my pants were squeezing me.....

so i punched myself, twice, between my temple and cheekbone.  right side.  all thoughts dissolved to pain and anger and loathing and shame and disgust.

there will be a bruise.
there have been bruises before.
i hate myself for letting this happen, for getting fat.

i fucking hate myself.

this was one of the bad days.

later, and later still,


  1. Do you think it might help to start weeding out those items that no longer fit like they should? You'll get through this... may tomorrow be a good day.

  2. i wish i could but i still want so badly to fit back into those clothes again....getting rid of them would feel, to me, like i was throwing in the flag. as long as they hang in my closet, i feel like there's still hope.