Wednesday, July 18, 2012

the elusive "recovery"

people talk about "recovery" as though it's an obtainable thing.  it's not.

when you're trying to recover from anorexia (that is, when you stop starving yourself and exercising compulsively), you want to know what to expect.  so far, none of the literature i've found on the topic has been helpful at all.  lots of feel-good stories, and those mostly from bulimics who recounted the massive amounts of food they ate and subsequently threw up, and how this behavior was sparked by their parents' divorce, or their own feeling of needing to control something.  there is precious little out there from anorexics, and i think it's because we are the quieter sufferers.  if someone eats a whole pizza and an entire package of cookies in one sitting, others are bound to notice.  if she's living with someone, they'll definitely notice the sudden appearance and disappearance of food in the house, and probably also the sound of vomiting shortly after mealtime.  an anorexic, however, can fly under the radar, ordering her salads and water and nobody ever thinks anything--she's just watching her figure, eating sensibly, etc.

god, i hate salads so much now.  try eating them for EVERY MEAL for a couple of years and you'll understand.

so i think it's harder not only to find anorexics, but harder also to get them to talk about (or even admit) their problem at all.  thus we have a lot of literature but no real help.

the quick and dirty facts are that you will gain weight and there is no recovery, there's only learning to live one day at a time.  even loving your body is hard--it's been three years since my initial attempts at normalcy, and i still find myself hating and judging my body.  it just goes with the territory, i'm afraid.  and in this country finding the appropriate mental health help is pretty much impossible, unless you're really rich.

mostly what you'll find is that you just get tired, and you long for the days when you'd lost some weight and felt amazing and still ate normal foods in normal amounts.  you'll ask yourself what happened, how did you let it go this far?  the same foods every single day start to wear on you, and sooner or later you'll just say fuck it, que sera sera and all that.  you'll never be rail-thin again, and eventually that starts to be OK with you.  eventually the good days will outnumber the bad.

peace now and more later,

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